This is my girlfriend Danielle,
or as I affectionally refer to her (in somewhat shortened written form) Dani-L. There's something cool about the hyphen I think. Anyway, I first introduced Dani-L a couple posts ago, when we went out on our own official face to facebook meet up. Dani-L has been a great supporter of the project, which I appreciate immensely. She's given me great ideas and feedback from time to time, and continues to do so. The only snag (which is a "giant, knitted sweater caught on a rusty jagged nail that hooks and attempts to unspool the entire garment literally at the seams" kind of snag) is that many of my friends and Facebook friends, happen to have two X chromosomes.
Yes, I have always, and still to this day continue to have (what most would consider) lots of female friends. I've heard and had every conversation on the topic that one would want to, or even try to avoid having. Let me put this in context by saying that anyone who knows me... and even most people who know of me, probably know that I am a friendly guy. I am a people person to the Nth degree, and I make friends just about anywhere I go. It's who I am, it's how I was raised, and until a few years back... that had been consistent. After 3 years of barely speaking to or seeing any of my friends, I left a toxic relationship, began re-becoming myself again, joined Facebook, and started reconnecting with the dozens, scores, even hundreds of people I'd missed over the years. Dani-L and I have been going out now for just over a year, and though she appreciates my general congeniality, she is not thrilled by the fact that I have so many female friends and potential female friends for that matter. I do have lots of XY friends also though, but when you're a man with a girlfriend, the female ones take on new and greater meaning to your significant other... at least in my experience.
As an essential part of this project, I am hanging out with some people who I might not know very well. Because I may potentially hang out with women who I don't know very well, Dani-L believes that I am essentially "Dating my (female) friends". I would think that the vast majority of the female friends I've hung out with over the years, as friends, would not think of the times we've hung out as dates. I could be wrong though. Dani-L pointed out that some women may have thought we were on a date even if I had not. This struck me. I may be naive, and/or too literal... but I'd always assumed that when people, no matter what sex, agree to hang out, they are doing so for whatever the reason is that they have agreed upon. Ie. "Let's go to a museum!", would mean... "I would like to go to a museum and view exceptional artwork, would you like to do so as well, and perhaps converse about the shared experience?" Apparently, this is not necessarily the case. I will admit that it's possible. "Lunch" or "Dinner", might not always be just a meal. There are times where you get to know someone better, and sometimes for the purpose of pursuing a relationship with that person. However; I do think it is possible, for a man and a woman to hang out without one or the other thinking with any degree of seriousness about being together romantically. THEN I looked up the word "date", and this is what came up:
"a social appointment, engagement, or occasion arranged beforehand with another person: to go out on a date on Saturday night."
Apparently I have been dating my friends all along, men and women alike! Something about that definition made it seem as if this whole conversation (trying not to call it an argument) was a lot less serious than it needed to be. If dating is just arranging a meet-up with a person, and then meeting up... why such a big deal? Then I found this more thorough definition of "Dating":
"Dating is a form of courtship, and may include any social activity undertaken by, typically, two persons with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. The word refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity. Traditional dating activities include entertainment or a meal."
Ahhhh... so there must be an "Aim"! Dating is really interviewing for potential life-partners. So I suppose it is possible for two people to "go out" (another loaded term), one thinking they are on a "date" (definition 1), and one thinking they are "dating" (definition 2). When I hang out with my female friends, I'm not sizing them up as potential life mates. Could they be sizing me up? Have they? Again, I acknowledge that it's possible, but I give people the benefit of the doubt, and don't assume someones' intentions are to steal me away from my girlfriend. Did you see her up there? She's beautiful. I'm not trying to find someone else that I can spend my future with, I'm trying to get to know the people that are or might be my "friends".
The whole process is still pretty slow going so far. I've only met up with 15 friends so far, out of about 370. The count is 6 females (including my girlfriend) and 9 males. Dani-L pointed out that lots of women might not want to hang out with me because they have boyfriends or husbands, which I completely understand. If anyone feels uncomfortable hanging out with me for any reason, I'm glad to know it, and wouldn't want to put someone else in an uncomfortable situation. We don't necessarily need to hang out together face to face to be friends.
I like finding likeminded people. I like hanging out with diverse groups and individuals, and I really enjoy having groups of friends that represent a huge range of eclectic interests, tastes, viewpoints, etc. What makes this project challenging is that getting to know friends better, is different than getting to know "friends" better.
I'm sure this will be a topic that comes up again, but for now, I look forward to any feedback.
What do you all think? Am I dating my friends? Do you date yours? Can men and women hang out as friends?
Am I the worlds... worst... boyfriend for attempting this?
Bring the pain.
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